Thursday, March 30, 2006

Mungkir Bahagia

Dihimpit dicengkam rindu ini
Gerimis duka ku

Menggamit kenangan silam

Resah dan pilu menghampiri

Sunyinya malamku kelam

Pedih kemelut cinta

Dingin kelu bicara

Tuk mengungkap rindu

Sayang ku mungkir pada kejujuranmu

Menolak segala bahgia dihadapanku

Kasihku mungkir pada kata janjiku

Berlari aku jauh dari cintamu

Ku kesali

Dihanyut dilambung ombak lara

Sepiku berkelana

Melayari jiwa nestapa

Menggagahi rasa kesayuan

Leburlah harapan cinta

Namun kesetiaanmu

Kugenggam bagai hukuman

Mengheret langkahku

Maafkan daku

Kekasih hati cinta kita berakhir

Maafkan daku

Kerna ku memungkirinya

Maafkan daku

Kekasih hati cinta jadi begini

Maafkan daku

Ku mungkir bahagia

Tacing sehh dengor lagu neh.. :(


Dalam kesibukan ini, masih lagi ada celah yang kosong antaranya. Ada ruang untuk mengintai dia. Ada rasa untuk mengenang dia. Memang duka itu pudar sudah, tapi yang satu ini degil benar. Kalau yang satu ini adalah kaca, lama dulu aku hempaskan. Tapi yang satu ini batu, yang satu ini jati. Walau mata mula memandang selain dia, tapi hati tetap berkiblatkan dia.

Selang bahagia, ada laranya. Lara itu hampir luput, tapi bahagia yang ditinggalkan tetap berlumut. Pejam mata, buka mata, lihat sekitar. Ada saja tingkah manusia, gerak objek yang memusat kenangan tentang dia. Bosan dengan rasa yang satu ini.

Setia yang membabi buta. Degil yang tak berkesudahan. Bosan.

Beberapa minggu lepas, rasanya aku ternampak dia. Kemustahilan yang tidak mustahil berlaku. Walau sekilas, rasanya aku tak silap. Agaknya. Mungkin. Barangkali. Harap benar aku silap. Andai benar itu dia, kenapa muram wajahmu? Kenapa jauh menungmu?

Senyumlah. Dengan senyuman yang pernah membahagiakanku dulu. Kerana aku masih lagi tersenyum, dengan senyuman yang pernah jua membahagiakanmu.

Walaupun mungkin tidak semanis dulu.

* fotopages updated! tekan sini ok! ;)

Sunday, March 26, 2006

When You Divorce Me, Carry Me Out in Your Arms

On my wedding day, I carried my wife in my arms. The bridal car stopped in front of our one-room flat. My buddies insisted that I carry her out of the car in my arms. So I carried her into our home. She was then plump and shy. I was a strong and happy bridegroom

This was the scene of ten years ago.

The following days were as simple as a cup of pure water: we had a kid; I went into business and tried to make more money. When the assets were steadily increasing, the affections between us seemed to ebb. She was a civil servant. Every morning we left home together and got home almost at the same time. Our kid was studying in a boarding school.

Our marriage life seemed to be enviably happy. But the calm life was more likely to be affected by unpredictable changes. Dew came into my life. It was a sunny day. I stood on a spacious balcony. Dew hugged me from behind. My heart once again was immersed in her stream of love.

This was the apartment I bought for her.

Dew said, you are the kind of man who best draws girls eyeballs. Her words suddenly reminded me of my wife. When we just married, my wife said, Men like you, once successful, will be very attractive to girls. Thinking of this, I became somewhat hesitant. I knew I had betrayed my wife. But I couldn’t help doing so. I moved Dew s hands aside and said, you go to select some furniture, O.K.? I‘ve got something to do in the company. Obviously she was unhappy, because I had promised her to go and see with her. At the moment, the idea of divorce became clearer in my mind although it used to be something impossible to me.

However, I found it rather difficult to tell my wife about it. No matter how mildly I mentioned it to her, she would be deeply hurt. Honestly, she was a good wife. Every evening she was busy preparing dinner. I was sitting in front of the TV. The dinner was ready soon. Then we watched TV together. Or, I was lounging before the computer, visualizing Dew’s body. This was the means of my entertainment.

One day I said to her in a slight joking way, suppose we divorce, what will you do? She stared at me for a few seconds without a word. Apparently she believed that divorce was something too far away from her. I couldn’t imagine how she would react once she got to know I was serious.

When my wife went to my office, Dew had just stepped out. Almost all the staff looked at my wife with a sympathetic eye and tried to hide something while talking with her. She seemed to have got some hint. She gently smiled at my subordinates. But I read some hurt in her eyes.

Once again, Dew said to me, He Ning, divorce her, O.K.? Then we live together. I nodded. I knew I could not hesitate any more. When my wife served the last dish, I held her hand. I’ve got something to tell you, I said. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want to divorce. I raised a serious topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be much annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I’m serious. I avoided her question. This so-called answer turned her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man!

At that night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer, because my heart had gone to Dew. With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. I felt a pain in my heart. The woman who had been living ten years with me would become a stranger one day. But I could not take back what I had said.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer.

A late night, I came back home after entertaining my clients. I saw her writing something at the table. I felt asleep fast. When I woke up, I found she was still there. I turned over and was asleep again. She brought up her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but I was supposed to give her one month’s time before divorce, and in the month’s time we must live as normal life as possible. Her reason was simple: our son would finish his summer vacation a month later and she didn’t want him to see our marriage was broken.

She passed me the agreement she drafted, and then asked me, He Ning, do you still remember how I entered our bridal room on the wedding day? This question suddenly brought back all those wonderful memories to me. I nodded and said, I remember. You carried me in your arms, she continued, so, I have a requirement, that is, you carry me out in your arms on the day when we divorce. From now to the end of this month, you must carry me out from the bedroom to the door every morning. I accepted with a smile. I knew she missed those sweet days and wished to end her marriage with a romantic form.

I told Dew about my wife s divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she does, she has to face the result of divorce, she said scornfully. Her words more or less made me feel uncomfortable.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. We even treated each other as a stranger. So when I carried her out for the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly, Let us start from today, don’t tell our son. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for bus, I drove to office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. We were so close that I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this intimate woman carefully for a long time. I found she was not young any more. There were some fine wrinkles on her face.

On the third day, she whispered to me, the outside garden is being demolished. Be careful when you pass there.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I seemed to feel that we were still an intimate couple and I was holding my sweetheart in my arms. The visualization of Dew became vaguer.

On the fifth and sixth day, she kept reminding me something, such as, where she put the ironed shirts, I should be careful while cooking, etc. I nodded. The sense of intimacy was even stronger.

I didn’t tell Dew about this. I felt it was easier to carry her. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. I said to her, it seems not difficult to carry you now. She was picking her dresses. I was waiting to carry her out. She tried quite a few but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown fatter. I smiled. But I suddenly realized that it was because she was thinner that I could carry her more easily, not because I was stronger. I knew she had buried all the bitterness in her heart. Again, I felt a sense of pain. Subconsciously I reached out a hand to touch her head.

Our son came in at the moment. Dad, it’s time to carry mum out. He said. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had been an essential part of his life. She gestured our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face because I was afraid I would change my mind at the last minute. I held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly, as if we came back to our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad.

On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. She said, actually I hope you will hold me in your arms until we are old. I held her tightly and said, both you and I didn’t notice that our life was lack of such intimacy. I jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my decision. I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door. I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I won’t divorce. I’m serious. She looked at me, astonished. The she touched my forehead. You got no fever. She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I can only say sorry to you, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of life, not because we didn’t love each other any more. Now I understand that since I carried her into the home, she gave birth to our child, I am supposed to hold her until I am old. So I have to say sorry to you.

Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst out crying. I walked downstairs and drove to the office. When I passed the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet for my wife which was her favorite. The salesgirl asked me to write the greeting words on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until we are old.

Credit to Kurzz. Thanks!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006


Penatnya! Kalaulah ada peluang untuk mati sekejap, aku nak mati dalam masa seminggu. Aku rasa nak marah ni! Cilake tolllllll orang tue tuuu.. *Fahrin: Sabarlah sayang :p Oleh kerana aku dah tak tahan dengan hidup aku sekarang, maka aku pon apdetlah ini blog. Manyak kesian ini blog, muka ata pucat, badan ata lemah. Ni ada tag yang dah bersawang tinggalan Kak Maya. Jom jawab.. *sambil calarkan kete bos aku*

1. perkataan yg slalu korunk sebut... (sejak akhir-akhir ni laa ek)
Lalalalalalalalalalalalahanat.. (nyanyi ye rerakan, bukan sebut je)

2. 3 perkara yg korunk lakukan sblm tido...
Gi toilet, semayang, siapkan baju nak pakai esok (kalau esoknya keje la)

3. pemandangan yg korunk suke lihat?
Yang indah-indah la... boleh jadi pemandangan sungai ke, hutan ke, kereta ke, orang ke... kuhik.. kuhikk..

4. ape akan korunk lakukan sekiranye tersesat di dlm hutan?
Sebelum cari jalan kuar, rasanya aku akan gelabah jap kot

5. 3 artis lelaki/perempuan yg korunk nak ajak gi tgk wayang?
Apa kes ajak artis tengok wayang, baik aku ajak dia borak2 sambil makan2 ke.. tapi kalau kena paksa pilih gak, cape lagik… Faizal Husin laaaaaa… lalalalalalala

6. 3 barang wajib yg mesti ade dlm handbag korunk?
Kunci-kunci sekelian (kunci kete dan kunci umah), wallet yang berduit dan henpon (negotiable, henpon ni kalau kuar kejap je tinggal pon takpe, bukan ada orang nak kol pon.. :p)

7. 3 jenis sukan yg korunk minat?
Ni minat tengok ke minat main? Kalau tengok, bola pon ok, wrestling pon ok, acara balapan pon ok.
Kalau terbabit, acara balapan bolehlah, bowling baru standard beginner. Ekcely aku bukannya minah sporty.. huhu..

8. barang pemberian seseorang yg korunk simpan hingga kini...
Mostly aku simpan hadiah-hadiah sekelian. Mana yang tade dalam simpanan tu, maknenye aku dah pulangkan balik kat tuannyalah atas sebab-sebab tertentu ataupun anak buah aku dah jahanamkan.

9. 3 lagu yg menjadi kenangan wat korunk...
Buat Aku Tersenyum (tapi kalau dengar tak senyum la), Masih Terserlah Ayumu, Tentang Seseorang.

10. mimpi ngeri yg pernah korunk lalui?
Lately, mimpi pasal keje tak siaplah yang paling ngeri dan trajis skali.

11. salah satu keinginan korunk?
Tak keje tapi gaji masuk gak bulan2, siap triple lagi dari gaji sekarang.. hehe.

12. kalau korunk artis, korunk nak jadi mcm siapa? dan kenapa?
Takpelah, rasanya artis laa yang kena berangan jadik aku.. huahaha

13. kelemahan korunk?
Banyak laaa..
salah satunya ialah.. aku rasa aku ni tak best *tunduk pandang bawah sambil kaki kuis2 rumput*

14. siapa yg korunk teringin sgt nak jumpa?
Siapa-siapalah asalkan bukan bos aku.

15. moto hidup korunk?
Takmo bagitau arr..

*Special tags goes to :
Takpelah... takmo tag orang dah..

Friday, March 03, 2006


Niat aku suci dan murni. Anuar Zain nyanyi:”Sesucinya cintamuuuuu…”.

Aku nak mengimarahkan gerai milik Bumiputra. Milik orang Melayu. Memandangkan lebih dari 70% sektor perniagaan digenggam oleh orang bukan Melayu, maka apa salahnya aku membantu bangsaku sendiri. Ops, ini bukan ayat berunsur perkauman. Anggap je aku memang suka tolong-menolong.

Tadi aku tinggalkan segala kerja yang menyesakkan di pejabat semata-mata untuk 30 keping kertas A4 keras bagi kegunaan pejabatlah juga. Menyusuri beberapa buah kedai alat tulis, kertas yang diidamkan tiadalah jua bertemu. Mungkin minggu ni semua orang suka warna oren dan maroon, tidak pula aku mengerti.

Kedai pertama: Semua kertas lembik.
Kedai kedua: Ada kertas keras, tapi kaler tak menepati kehendak semasa.
Kedai ketiga, keempat dan kelima: Tiada...tiada...!

Kedai seterusnya. Kedai Melayu. Melangkah masuk, dua pekerja (aku rasa yang free hair tu bos dia kot) tercongok dalam kedai. Terus ke rak-rak kertas. Meneliti, membanding, mencari. Si pekerja yang hanya setapak dari aku langsung tak memandang. Langsung tak bertanya. Langsung tak berbunyi. Langsung-langsung. Langsuir betul! Maka dialog pun tercipta.

Intan: Hansss* betullah!
Aku: ???? (Ooooo..) ilek aaa..
Intan: Cik ni keje sini ke? (pandang aku)
Aku: Ha’ah..akak nak cari kertas ape ye? Kaler ape? Meh saya tolong carikan (jengket-jengket sambil selongkar timbunan kertas ATAS rak).
Intan: Yang macam ni, ada tak?
Aku: Jap ye kak..macam ade kat atas ni, nanti saya amek (capai kertas kaler oren atas rak, ataaaaaaaaasss sekali)
Si Pekerja: .........................................

Aku pandang Intan. Intan pandang aku. Intan dah marah, mulut dia dah menyumpah-nyumpah. Aku tarik dia keluar.

Kedai sebelah. Kedai Cina. Belum pun sampai ke rak kertas, apek dah bertanya,”Ye dik, mau kertas kaler ape?”. Aku – ”Ada tak kaler camni?”. Apek – ”kejap aaaa..”. Bla..bla..
Di kaunter, dapat diskaun. Nyonya (emak apek tu kot) diskaun lagi tanpa pengetahuan anak dia. ”Lain kali datang lagi aaaa..”, kata Nyonya, mesra, lembut, sejuk.

Kesimpulan. Orang Melayu selalu bersungut – bangsa sendiri tak nak memajukan perniagaan dorang. Macam mana Melayu nak maju, kata dorang dengan muka merah padam. Tapi kalau PR zero, nak salahkan orang lagi ke?

Akal ada, pikir sendiri.
*Hanss = Hanjing

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Review Album: Exists Special Edition

Ini merupakan album repackage Paragon. Kesemua lagu-lagu di dalam album Paragon telah diberikan nafas baru di mana terdapat beberapa perubahan untuk menarik lebih ramai peminat untuk mendengar.

Di dalam album ini juga terdapat 3 lagu baru dan 1 lagu lama yang disusun semula untuk peminat Exists.

Lagu baru
Buat kita (Kasih Seharum Mawar)
Onaji Mamade
Ushinatta Ano Omoide

Lagu lama disusun semula
Mengintai Dari Tirai Kamar

Review Lagu

Buat kita (Kasih Seharum Mawar)
Lagu ciptaan Tam Spider ini benar-benar bagus dan boleh bikin 'feeling'. Tempo yang perlahan pada permulaan dan rancak pada pertengahan lagu memang membuatkan lagu ini istimewa dan 'best'. Suara Ezad juga sesuai untuk lagu ini. Lirik yang puitis dan jiwang dari Loloq memang membuatkan lagu ini bertambah istimewa. Terima kasih kepada Tam dan Loloq.

Ulasan lagu² lain:
Mengintai Dari Tirai Kamar
Lagu hits Exists dari album Jangan Gentar ini benar-benar diberikan nafas baru daripada Exists. Keseluruhan lagu ini diolah semula tetapi masih mengikut melodi lagu asal. Bagi peminat lagu asal ini, jangan bandingkan antara yang disusun semula dengan yang lama. Ini kerana Exists cuba untuk menjadikan lagu ini mengikut aliran muzik sekarang.

Lagu-lagu asal album Paragon:
Untuk lagu Penisilin Exists merancakkan lagi lagu ini dengan menjelaskan lagi bunyi drum dan gitar yang lebih raw. Lagu Bergelutan yang sedia rancak dirancakkan lagi menjadikan lagu ini lebih cathcy. Hilang Dalam Ramai hanya sedikit perubahan iaitu bunyi gitar yang lebih raw di bahagian corus lagu. Untuk lagu Revelasi, lagu ini kedengaran lebih raw dan boleh bikin head banging kerana muziknya yang lebih keras dari yang asal. Lagu Dosa Pada Dinda hanya sedikit perubahan. Manakala lagu Pada 31 yang dinyanyikan oleh Along dijelaskan suara Along tidak seperti lagu asal, dan lagu Dengar Ella Menyanyi pula dijadikan lebih rancak. Lagu-lagu lain tiada banyak perubahan yang dilakukan.

Lagu Jepun:
Yang paling istimewa di dalam album ini ialah dengan 2 lagu Exists yang dialih bahasa ke bahasa Jepun iaitu Lagu Onaji Mamade (Seperti Dulu) dan Ushinatta Ano Omoide (Hilang Dalam Ramai). Lagu ini merupakan lagu bonus buat peminat Exists untuk mendengar buat pertama kali nyanyian Exists dalam bahasa Jepun. Terima kasih kepada Nadia & Brothers dan juga En Hajime Yamashita.

~ Review di'cilok' dari blog portal Exists~


Secara peribadi, aku memang suka album ni (ala..semua album dorang aku suke gak!). Lagu yang betul-betul aku suke giler dalam album ni ialah Onaji Mamade (Seperti Dulu) selain daripada Buat Kita (Kasih Seharum Mawar). Hari-hari aku dengar tau CD neh! Hohooo.. Untuk anda yang rasa-rasa macam peminat Exists tu, bersedialah untuk menyerang apek-apek penjual CD yang ORI berhampiran anda dan dapatkanlah album dorang ni, ok!

Ni bukan promosi diri ke ape ek. Cuma aku nak bagitau dunia ini bahawasanya aku rasa terharu and honoured bila tengok situasi kat atas ni *tacing jap*. Untuk orang lain memang itu bukannya apa-apa, tapi bagi aku ia adalah sesuatu. Dan jujurnya, apa yang aku buat selama ini bukan menagih balasan apatah lagi menagih syabu atau menagih kasih, tetapi ikhlas dari hati aku yang tulus murni. Apapun, aku tetap support dorang walaupun tanpa penghargaan seperti kat atas tu.

Errr.. Izwan, memang saya ni web administrator ek? Bukan forum moderator ek? Hehe..